Why, on Earth, would you stay in a marriage you are unhappy in?
The number one reason a wife remains in an unhappy marriage is FEAR!
THE FEAR FACTOR
Women, from very early ages, are taught to want to have the "happily ever after" life, filled with the home, husband, childen and the fulfillment of being a dutiful wife. It's taught is bible classes worldwide, storybooks, televisions shows and just about everywhere a young girl turns.
Yes, we do live in a vastly evolved society with greater appreciation and acceptance of a modern image of wivery thanks to shows like Desperate Housewives and the Real Housewives of several great cities, however, underneath the fictitious arrangements and exceptional lifestyles the reality is, this is only a picture of psuedowivery or a very small minority of wives, at best. The reality of being a wife includes a lot of hard work, many less-than-glamorous days, intermittent loneliness and definitely not the luxurious tantrums and expensive sulk sessions of TV wives. Real wifehood can be a place where your dreams went to die. A world with it's walls built on the flights of fancy of a young girl who found her knight in shinning armour but lost her own identity. Real wifehood can be a vicious trading post where many women have bartered their lofty ambitions for a life of support. Supporting a spouse through school and career-building, supporting children through school and life. Though these are very noble callings and most wives would be the first to acclaim their nobility, these areas of service can also be the chambers of secrecy that hold the hidden feelings of jealousy and inadaquacy, regret and unfulfillment.
The FEAR of the terrible outcome anticipated from voicing these feelings is what paralyzes many wives desire to cry out for attention or needed affection.
These wives FEAR that their spouse's pride will be hurt due to misinterpreting their feelings as personal attacks and dissapproval. They also FEAR that their children will misunderstand their expressions and assume their neediness is to blame for mommy's unhappiness.
GOOD HUSBAND, BAD OUTCOME
It stands to be noted that the type of women described here have relatively good loving husbands many of them hard working and dilligent providers and protectors of their families. Though a much celebrated man for being a "good husband" it's his dilligence to build his career and provide it all that can be the leading contributor to his wife's saddness. "How?" you ask. Well, his dedication can keep him away for long hours each day and week. This, in excess, leaves his wife at home alone many times without the companionship needed in the relationship. This trickles down into the amount of time he can devote to her once he is home and not too tired to attend to her needs. His determination may pull at his focus and away from his listening skills, when she needs to be heard. His ambitiousness may have required the focus and contribution of much of his wife's time and skill to reach his goals and has left little time for the fulfillment of her own. This very fact can breed poisonous resentment in a woman with great talent and vision. Yes, many wives are jealous of their husbands achievement in lieu of their own.
So how do miserable wives deal with their plight? Needless to say their are some healthy and not-so-healthy ways to do so.
Unhealthy Ways to Cope with Misery
1. Emotional Eating
The numbers of women that account for the obesity statistics in this country are
staggering and if investigated, I believe married women would top the list. Emotional
eating is the quickest and most prevelant way miserable wives are coping with their
misery. However, comforting for the moment this habit will most certainly lead to
more misery due to a low self image and more dangerously to bad health which will
only add to the stress level overall.
2. Emotional Infedelity
This too tops the list of the most used ways of wives coping with their hidden misery.
This simply means wives tend to seek the missing pleasures and desired fulfillment they
want from their spouses in other areas, mainly in other men. This does not include the
women who actually have a physical affair but those who have an emotional one
instead. The numbers of wives engaged in emotional affairs far outweigh those of the
wives in physical affairs. However, the attatchments, expectations and consequences
are just the same in the end.
3. Perpetual Bitterness
This simply refers to women seeking out friendships and connections with other
women who also have similar feelings of misery and begin to participate in
conversation and activities that simply perpetuate their despair to the point of extreme
bitterness. This is dangerous because this bitterness begins to seep into every other
relationship this wife has. It can be the cause of undue anxiety and strain on her
relationship with her children and also creates an impossible environment for healthy
communication of her feelings to her spouse, even when he asks and is
genuinely concerned about what is affecting her.
Healthy Ways to Cope with Misery
1. Talking To Someone
The ideal someone, of course, is the spouse but sometimes it's likeliness it very poor.
Therefore seeking out a professional would be the next best solution. A therapist,
marriage and family counselor, or pastor would be the most ideal persons to approach
for help. Bringing along your spouse would be a great idea however, it might be
something to work up to. Talking to someone alone may be just the remedy needed to
dispell some of the pent up anxiety and the need for personal attention that has set in
for this wive. Note: be careful not to talk to family friends or extended family too
freely about such emotions. It may provide some temporary relief but will damage
their prespective of your spouse thus hindering his ability to recover his image after
you get the needed help and work through this rough terrain.
2. Personal Development
The feelings of resentment a wife can have towards her husband are very real and very
potent. If left unattended will most always spell destruction for the future of the
relationship. A sure fire way to remedy these feelings is to seek out some areas in your
own life to begin to develop and grow in. This may take some soul searching to find
the right area to focus in or it may be the answer is to approach it somewhat wild and
inhibited. Pick up a community college brochure and pick out some inexpensive and
totally different Continuing Ed courses. These are usually a few weeks in length, at
most, and their is typically a vast variety to choose from. Try something old that you
let go when you got married or try something totally new. You may find that the root of
your feelings of jealousy are your lack of personal growth. This may be the answer to
finding a whole new you that just might tip the scales of boredom and balance and
force your husband to take notice and make the effort to have to get to discover and
get to know this refreshing individual, he knows as his wife. Note: just getting to be
busy can do the trick to shake things up. It's true men are hunters and having you
always available may have dampned the intrigue in your relationship. Getting out there
and getting busy so he has to catch up with you a little and vie for your time and
attention may be just the spice you both have been needing.
FROM MISERY TO JOY
Being a wive is tough. And if you've done it for a substantial amount of time it's commendable. Nevertheless if it gets to be unhappy it is down right miserable and no one in a healthy state of mind will want to be miserable for a lifetime. So ultimately it is your responsibility to take the bull by the horns and do what you can to get things back on track. A marriage is made up of two people living one life. So both have to take on the charge of contributing to a healthy outcome together. If you are doing your part and things begin to improve you'll know you've succeeded at keeping a happy marriage. And if all else fails and you've done your part to improve yourself and things still don't get better then you'll have the confidence of knowing you can make some decisions with a clear conscience and a healthy outlook on yourself that's just right for a possible new beginning!
